Faith

You have no faith in me, and i seriously do not get it. i've put everything in and all i get back is reluctance and apprehension. and it is just so fucking unfair.

so fucking unfair.

i really think im reaching my limit. even love can only take you so far. and i seriously hope this is not heading to where i think it is. cos it's not the ending that i want.

a year

it's coming to a year now and life has gone on. but it doesnt stop me from thinking about him every once in awhile. before all this i never knew what my limits were, i thought that in life i should just do things to finish it and move on, like school and especially for army. but when he left i realised that i needed to be more than i could be for his sake. and i think i've done that looking where i am. hopefully i carry that on along the way my entire life. bus rides, arcade games, even passing by seemingly innocuous places, brings tears to my eyes. a part of me has left and one day, perhaps, i'll get used to that.

i still miss you every single day.

i dunno if its possible that i've felt so demoralised in my life. if you were to ask me if bslc was tough i would say that it's quite slack actually. but im the most fucking suay person in the world having gotten into unnecessary trouble and unintentionally pissing higher authorities off. and honestly doesnt pay i realised that now. im being told to face the music but it requires me to face the prospect of not being able to come home next weekend for an offence that doesnt befit the punishment. im getting so sick and demoralised and physically im feeling the toll. i just hope these 2 weeks fly by and i get through it intact and sane. the only positive is that i finally got a silver for ippt after failing three times in a row. pls god gimme back my life again

and so my journey begins once more. after suffering for 3 months in tekong i've successfully topped that by being posted to sispec. hopefully i get a good posting after that and these two years will go by. but for now, let's see where this takes me, because although i've suffered, i feel like it's for the better. i want to see how the best would be

i never meant to hurt you. but im so fucking sick of this as well. why would i react if not for your constant fucking selfishness. i guess i saw this coming a mile away but didnt know how to act. i handled it wrongly and for that im sorry. but take a good look at yourself as well. i have and i know how fucked up i am. maybe its time you realised something bout you.

i did love you